Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire

Big lizard and monkey become coworkers—and you know how it goes dealing with others in the office. When you get right down to it, this is a profoundly silly movie. The star of the show is basically carnage. The film takes itself way too seriously; indeed, one can’t help but think that many opportunities for clever remarks or wry observations just go by the board, often in favor of bland yet expansive explication. The story features a lot of weird musical cues throughout. And even the title makes little sense; what new empire? So there’s no way this flick could ever deserve a PURR. Still, the eleven-year-old boy in me does appreciate the mayhem amply supplied by a host of starring and supporting monsters. Thus, the lameness is somewhat forgivable. If big beastie flicks are your thing—and, again, being eleven years old and male will help immensely—then no less-than-stellar review will keep you away from this movie. Conversely, anyone else probably couldn’t be dragged into watching this one. So maybe this is the most irrelevant review ever, making it a middling achievement at best—not unlike this film.

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

Just as a point in every direction is no point at all, one must also ask: if everyone is Spider-Man, then isn’t that the same as nobody really is Spider-Man? Is there nothing truly distinctive to the character that asks for something specific in the persona? The above may seem contradictory, but the thread, if you will, that binds much of this work together is contradiction. When this story reaches its key inflection point, with proclamations about not changing the canon, a viewer of any intelligence must be thinking, “You’ve got to be kidding.” The entire point of this exercise, here and in its predecessor, is about changing the canon—a fact made more and more obvious with each expression of its overarching agenda. (You may fill in that blank yourself.) And then, internal to that, there’s a gigantic contradiction in the stated premise that Miles is the source of the problem, so to speak. (I don’t want to spoil anything, but you can ask yourself: if Miles is an anomaly as stated, then how can he ... that’s about all I can give you.) Thus, there are issues here that should leave even the Generation AA-types this movie was made for scratching their heads, if not specifically calling bullshit. However, a huge part of this series’ appeal is the films being visually overwhelming, and that’s the sort of thing that can shut down higher brain functions. (That, I’m implying, may be intentional.) Huge swathes of the animation remain frenetic, to the point that an observer must wonder if there haven’t been a few seizures as a result of watching this flick. There’s also the danger of confusion, as the plot is so ambitious in the stories it is trying to tell that it can be easy to lose track of where you are at any given moment. A further consequence of that narrative largesse: the movie is so focused on the home life of its multiple protagonists that the villain, typically a major part of any superhero story, disappears for long stretches. Meh, he’s not that compelling anyway. Given these issues, how can this movie succeed? Mostly, it’s because the main characters are so damn likable that the viewer cares what happens to them in the end, and will be most disappointed if things go ill for these people. Alas, there’s a cliffhanger, so we’ll just have to wait and see how it all turns out. Again, I’ll go along for the denouement; I just wish I didn’t have to wade through so many layers of muddle and agenda to get there.

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

What can I say that hasn’t been said already? How about this?: it’s OK. Not insanely great, as the lemming population would have you believe. Just a fairly well done animated superhero story. And even the “well done” part may be a stretch, given certain aspects. What objections do I have? For one, the lauded-to-the-skies animation style is visually appealing, at times, but also contains elements that annoy throughout the proceedings—specifically a certain effect the appears to be a 3D multi-color rendering effect that pops up around characters and other screen objects. This happens despite the fact that the DVD copy I watched did not specifically indicate it was a 3D version of the movie. Perhaps the dimensionality for screening is inherent in the animation, regardless of how you’re viewing it—but from this seat, the effect was annoying and distracting. The soundtrack of largely late-stage hip-hop songs is for the most part the sonic equivalent of chewing on aluminum foil. Those choices demonstrate that the movie was created to appeal, almost ruthlessly, to a young audience, and conversely to drive away those who aren’t fully on board with Generation AA’s sense of … whatever it is they believe about things. Ah, yes, and that brings us to the most prominent backlash this film faced upon its release: the replacement of the White Guy with someone not-so-pale, nor male, nor in certain case even human. That prevails in at least one universe, that is; it’s true that the flick takes some pains to let you know that, yes, there’s still a traditional Peter Parker—with a B. middle initial, to distinguish—swinging around somewhere out there. But the main focus here, the movie's raison d'etre, is in the sort of identity swap-out that has become common in recent times. My previously-stated position still holds, people: you don’t become one of the cool kids by simply taking over the cool kids’ schtick. It’s immensely more admirable to create your own something special (and it's probably more profitable, in many ways, than the takeover thing). It is hard to be someone who has watched several iterations of a character, over decades, and not be keenly aware of the subversion taking place before your eyes, unless you're as blind and ignorant of the past as your standard issue Gen AA type. The identitarian agenda inescapably drags down the honest assessment of any such work, regardless of the quality displayed therein. And for sure, this film does have its strong elements, particularly in excellent voice performances by several of the principals; this talented cast makes these characters appealing, regardless of your stance on the embedded politics of the production. I will watch the sequel, for sure; there’s enough entertainment value here to merit giving this crew that due. But I do wish we didn’t have to tread this same political ground again and again. It’s not a web I particularly enjoy being caught in.

Eternals

Childish fancies plus relentless, fairly cynical mandatory diversity equals a silly, mostly absurd movie. More interesting storylines immediately suggest themselves to the viewer in the first five minutes; none are realized. Instead, we get a mostly tepid end-of-the-world scenario that relies on cliches for resolution. The main issue here is the attempt to be all things to literally all people, resulting in a story the comes across as less an artistic vision and more as the notes from a committee meeting. As many boxes are checked as possible, lest someone should feel left out and accordingly take to social media with profit-killing vengeance. A sequel is clearly set up, but I can’t imagine anyone actually wanting to watch it--certainly not anyone wanting to pay for it. You might just wind up eternally grateful if you skip this one.