XX/XY

Mostly, zzzz. One of the problems with being not orgy-eligible: you can never really understand those who are. Thus, this flick  is mostly unintelligible to yours truly. It's first half is almost entirely about young people humping, which to the college-age crowd it depicts and presumably targets as an audience may seem like the height of arty profundity, but to anyone else just comes across as vapid, pointless and indulgent stupidity (and, more cynically, an excuse to get young actresses to take their clothes off). The most notable part of the early scenes may be Mark Ruffalo's facial hair, which he apparently borrowed from the gay porn flick that was being filmed next door. Later, the movie shifts to ten years in the future, where everyone gets marginally more tolerable but not particularly smarter or more interesting. Ultimately, the whole thing serves as an exploration of the interpersonal dynamics of unlikable people, which is hardly must-see stuff.

X-Men: Dark Phoenix

It looks like it's time for these mutants to mutate into something else. Though a certifiable box-office bomb, I didn't think this flick was quite that bad--just not anything particularly interesting and necessary. Like a lot of today's franchise movies, there's a little too much template involved here--large scale battle sequences, angsty interactions between the principals, too many characters on the screen to give any one of them adequate story time--to make this anything other than unwieldy and less than enjoyable, even as popcorn entertainment. There is some joy to be had, particularly in watching several good actors do their thing; McAvoy and Fassbender still bring it, and Lawrence makes a brief impression. But there's not enough of that, and some of the inherent silliness of these films flies over the top in this outing. The folks in charge of this franchise need to come up with a new formula soon--think The Wolverine as an example--or else there won't be any bouncing back for this series, regardless of the special abilities those involved bring to the table.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Oh, so that's why they didn't do more of these "origins" movies. That and the fact that, I suppose, nobody really cares about any mutant other than Wolverine. It might have helped if the filmmakers here cared as much about the character as the fans do; there seem to be enough inconsistencies and outright mistakes--even to a relative non-fan like me--that you wonder if anyone involved was really...you know, involved. Plus the movie plays around with some of the canon in ways that, thankfully, were superseded by a more recent, much better version of this concept. (You know the one.) It's not a total disaster, since you do get to spend some time with Jackman in his now signature role, and that's generally good for some entertaining mayhem. But not enough to make more films like this a good idea.

Xanadu

Caught this one late one recent night, on TCM of all things, after having not seen it in decades. The verdict, upon re-viewing so much later in life: it's weird. Very weird. It's also probably ill-conceived, overly ambitious, rather clueless, and ultimately a failure. And it probably deserves a HISS, but...There's someting in its strangely innocent ambition--trying to tie together big band and classical musicals to the roller-disco era, among other things--that elicits a certain amount of sympathy. The presence of an absolutely radiant Olivia Newton-John aids the proceedings immensely; she's a dream girl in every frame of the thing, where as her co-stars look profoundly unimpressive in comparison (Michael Beck is a nobody, and even Gene Kelly just looks foolish through most of the proceedings). Ultimately, the whole thing is preposterous, but just entertaining enough that you don't want to find every extant reel of the film and burn it. But I can't exactly say it's recommended, either.

X-Men: Apocalypse

The recursiveness of these movies is starting to take over the whole franchise. Indeed, maybe it has become the entire point of the exercise. The constant back and forth through time; shifting allegiances as characters move from villain to hero and back again--and maybe back again; the neverending origin-izing, of characters, characteristics, relationships; and the inevitable cameo by everyone’s by-far favorite manly X-Man...An actual plot to the movie almost becomes superfluous to the assemblage of all the things that make the franchise the franchise. Oh, yeah, and it also has the now-standard superhero-movie traits of all-life-as-we-know-it in peril and global destruction depicted with almost porn-fetish detail. So is this a bad movie? No, it has its upsides, too: some very, very good actors bringing dimensions to this story cycle that would otherwise be absent (though Oscar Isaac is largely wasted through being buried under his costuming); a certain amount of “cool” factor that remains even after it should have long since played out; and, in particular, one sequence in the movie--Quicksilver’s star turn at Xavier’s school--that is so well done that it almost makes watching this flick worth the effort all by itself. Bottom line: it’s possible that this well is just about dry now, but if this entry shows up on your favorite premium channel, you won’t regret watching it

X-Men: Days of Future Past

What's the strength of this franchise? Most would say action, special effects, the metaphor--whatever else is obvious about these movies. I'd say it's casting. The reason we care at all about what's going on here is simply how well these actors inhabit their roles, and make the characters meaningful to us despite all the hullabaloo. This is particularly so with Jackman's Wolverine, but also applies to Stewart and McAvoy as Xavier (they don't really look that much alike, but you still buy them as different ages of the same guy), Fassbender as Magneto, even the lightning quick kid whose name (and actor) I didn't catch. Oh, and what is going on here, a.k.a. story? Preposterous bullshit, of course--which is sort of the point of these things. Regardless, it's enjoyable bullshit, and worth at least a couple hours of your future time.

X-Men: First Class

Lots of fun. True, lots of silly, profoundly implausible fun, but for what it is--a backdrop that plays while you munch away at your grain-silo-sized tub of popcorn--the movie performs its task admirably. There's plenty of easy on the eyes--certainly for the male viewer; probably for the female viewer, too, though I'm not one to judge that--and a good dose of cool visuals (nice but not overbearing special effects included), and an easy, comfortable attitude about the materials that more than makes up for the profound absurdity of the base premise. And, of course, Nazis with submarines; you never go wrong with Nazis with submarines. Wrap it all up and it's worth a couple of your hours.

X2: X-Men United

Ah, I'm such a sucker for anything that reeks of "cool." Throw some special effects in front of me and I'm happy. I have a feeling I should have liked this movie less than I did, but I certainly don't think there was anything egregiously wrong with it. There's a subplot about a particularly religious mutant that opens the doors to a lot of speculation, but they left it thoroughly undeveloped. Too bad. You have to settle for fairly run of the mill sci-fi superhero stuff. Still, that's usually entertaining--and so it is here.

X-Men

Well-done comic book adaptation. Some of the mutant powers are a bit on the outlandish side, but hey, you're not supposed to believe in this shit. Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan provide just the right touch of gravitas to an otherwise popcorn-light movie.

The X-Files: Fight The Future

Definitely worth it if you're a fan of the show; otherwise, it's tough to say. I'm a fan, so I say "see it." It feels a lot like just a big episode of the show, but again, if you like the show...